Danny Tanner's Horrible Mess
by SuaveGentStories
Summary: After a long day at work, Danny Tanner just wants to spend some alone time with his cleaning supplies. What should be good clean fun turns into one gigantic mess. Rated T for language and mature themes.


After spending a long day on the set of San Francisco's #1 morning talk show, Wake Up San Francisco, Danny Tanner is beat. "Man, could I use some unwinding," Danny says aloud as he exits his prized red convertible. Danny, once named San Francisco's number one bachelor, obsessively thinks about his plan for when he enters the house. " _Okay, so I just dodge the girls, grab the cleaning supplies, and head straight to the bedroom. It'll be easy…_ ".

Danny opens the front door and contorts his body into a sneaking posture, but suddenly, his plan is interrupted. Three girls come running out of the kitchen. "For the love of sanitizer..", Danny mumbles under his breath. Before DJ can even let out a "Hi Dad!," Danny rushes to say "Girls, I'm going to head upstairs and I have a lot of work to do. If you need anything, ask Joey or Uncle Jesse," DJ and Stephanie respond in sync with a cheery "Okay Dad!", while at the same time Michelle says "You got it dude!". " _Well, that sounded fucking strange_ ", Danny thought. The tall brunette man walks into the kitchen and grabs for his favorite supplies. " _Ah, Mr. Clean, it's nice to see you again…Clorox, you rock my socks.._ ". After ten minutes of this, Danny finally grabs his supplies and walks upstairs to his bedroom.

Danny swiftly locks his door and sanitizes his doorknob. He lets out a deep breath and begins his ritual. First, he covers his bed in plastic wrap. He smooths out any creases and adds a layer of sanitizing spray because you can never be too clean. The idea of the bed having zero bacteria cells makes Danny more excited than he intended to be. One by one, the tall Tanner removes his articles of clothing, neatly folding them and placing them in the laundry basket. Danny grabs a sanitizing wipe and begins to wipe himself, starting with his face. His skin starts to itch and turn red, and Danny lets out a naughty smirk. " _Ohh yeahhh, that's the bacteria dying_ ", Danny thinks to himself.

The tall, now red man, grabs his next toy, Mr. Clean liquid multi-purpose cleaner. "Multi-purpose is right.." Danny says. He dumps over a gallon on the plastic bed cover and leaps onto the bed as if he were a child, not an awkward 6'4 man. "Who-oa!", Danny yells. He slips and slides off the bed, landing head first onto the floor. "Danny? What's going on in there?", Jesse says as he pounds on the door. Danny starts to panic. He notices a blood stain on his carpet and lets out a horrified shriek. "I just deep cleaned that carpet!", he yells. Between the chaos in his room, and Jesse knocking on the door, Danny panics. He loses all control and he, controlled by some outside force, starts to guzzle the multi-purpose cleaner. "God, this is the sweetest thing I've ever tasted.." Danny says. Jesse's concern grows and he goes up to the attic and grabs the heaviest thing he can find: his life-sized Elvis piggy bank, full of coins. After many tries, he smashes the door open. "Have mercy," Jesse says. Jesse can't believe the sight in front of him. Danny: naked, red, bleeding, and covered in green fluid that smells like a spring meadow. A shrine of cleaning supplies on the dresser. A bed covered in plastic wrap and liquid.

"Close the door, I don't want the girls to see this", Danny says. Jesse obeys. Danny begins to feel a strange cloudy sensation in his head and seconds later, he sees Mr. Clean standing right in front of him. " _No fucking way, this can't be real!_ ", Danny thinks. " _Danny, this is as real as the glimmering of my bald head_ ", Mr. Clean says. Danny looks the bald man up and down and his body temperature rapidly increases. The Clean Man's white t-shirt free of stains. His bald head, spotless as can be. Danny starts licking at Mr. Clean and Jesse pulls out his cell phone. "Wait til Becky sees this!", Jesse says. He videotapes over 15 minutes of footage with Danny naked, licking at the Mr. Clean bottle and saying bizarre things.

Eventually, Danny's mind clears and he wonders what happened. Before he can do anything else, he sees the mess in his room and immediately starts cleaning it up. He hears laughter downstairs and wonders what is going on.

Downstairs, Jesse, Becky, and the girls are huddled together on the couch. Jesse has his phone out and he is playing the video he took of Danny. "You won't believe what happens next," Jesse says. "He sprays Febreze in his anus!". "What's an anus?", Michelle asks. "Um, it's a type of cake," DJ says. "Can I have some anus?", Michelle asks. "Way to fucking go Deej!", Stephanie says. "Hey Beck, I'm going to send this to you." Says Jesse. Becky is intrigued. Her co-host, Danny, always tries to steal her thunder. She has always wanted to be the star of the morning show. She can't stand how Danny always blocks her shot with his nose. "Sure, Jess", Becky says. Becky smirks. "Tomorrow morning will be verrry interesting. Wake up and spit out your coffee, San Francisco!" Becky says aloud. "Becky, did you steal my weed again?" Stephanie asks.

The next morning, Danny slugs downstairs. He didn't get a minute of sleep. Becky is overly cheery and Danny wonders if she stole Stephanie's weed again. Him and Becky carpool to work and they enter the studio.

The show goes on as usual, until Becky stands up during a story and starts speaking. "Viewers, I have something very special to show you. Get a load of _this_." What should be footage of Tom Selleck stealing water is actually Danny Tanner naked and making a fool of himself. Danny begins to cry and runs into his dressing room. He looks specifically for an AK-47 but has no luck.

Suddenly, a bald man resembling Mr. Clean walks by Danny's dressing room. "H-hey..Mr. Tanner. I saw that video of you and I gotta say, I never saw anything like it." Danny sighs and begins to ramble on. "I guess I should be prepared to hear things like that for the rest of my life. My philosophy is that what someone does in the privacy of their bedroom is nobody's business, unless you are gay of course." The bald man raises his brow muscle, but he has no eyebrows, so instead his hairless brow area crinkles and it's pretty fucking creepy. "Danny, don't be in denial.." the bald man says. "Okay, I'm gay. You happy?" Danny says. "I pretend my girlfriend Vicky is a man named Victor and I fantasize about Billy Mays every night. You happy?". The bald man asks Danny on a date and Danny agrees.

After spending three nights at his apartment, Danny moves in with the bald man and takes on a new identity. He changes his name to Washley Cleanman, shaves his head, and lives happily ever after, until one week later his organs start to fail due to ingesting the cleaning chemicals.

The End


End file.
